Shiva Nata Practice Day: Deus Ex Machina Edition
Intention: Was freaking out and couldn’t figure out what to ask for. Just wanted a situation resolved my way! With no hard! But figure I can’t just bring absurd wishes to Shiva Nata and make them come true. So just decided I would ask, “What do I want?”
Working on: Level one verticals, vertical and horizontal links
Things that came up for me during this practice: Verticals are hard. I hate verticals and don’t understand them. I am allowed to be annoyed by the verticals. Just more reason to spend time on them! But grrr did I grit my teeth.
Things that came up for me after this practice (meditation, shavasana): Laughed at my predicament and realized that all I want is a deus ex machina. Just some magical way to escape from having a tough conversation that will need to be had, the other person of which will need to decide the outcome of how we will move forward. The situation is out of my control and what I want was for it to simply
1. Work out my way.
2. Not even have to exist anymore. Something to whisk me out of the situation and let me forget about it without having to deal with it.
Even though I feel gross about wanting an easy way out, I am allowed to want the easy way out. I doubt it will hapen, but it is what I want.
Things that came up for me after this practice (48 hours): Holy guacamole! Received a phone call that could very well be the magical way to avoid the hard talk. But it comes with strings attached, of course. And is that a pattern I am seeing? Where I want to be out of a situation, I want to run and hide my head under the sand, and have in fact done this many many times.
This time I don’t want to hide.
If I was the other person who I need to have this talk with? I would want to know the facts and make my choice, rather than be left hanging and confused. And I can respect this person enough that the will make a good decision.
What I really need is the words. I need to summon exactly the right words so that this person knows where I am coming from. So that they don’t feel a betrayal by anything I say. And if they can truly understand my mind, then my worst fear will not come true.
My worst fear is that I will have this conversation and then be hated.
So today I am going keep this new intention in my heart and see what happens. See if I can summon the words I need to make us both feel safe in the conversation. Hope that I can find a means of speaking my mind in a way that shows respect and doesn’t damage our relationship. Trust that if I speak the truth, the other person and I can connect with empathy and we can resolve this.
